Baby's almost fully cooked! I can't believe we're this far, so close to meeting our new addition to our family. So close to seeing Aurella grow up a little bit and become a big sister! *tear* I am at the point where people look at me and can't help but say something. I've gotten random comments on my size, questions about my due date, mostly from people I've never seen before! I have to admit, I'm so odd. I love the attention.
I have finally come face to face with my fear of labor - meaning I was really really sad one day last week and I couldn't really tell why. I was just depressed and grumpy. During Aurella's nap I felt really strongly that I should pray about it and ask for help, so I did, and all of the sudden, I felt this overwhelming fear of going into labor. It just slammed into my chest and I was thinking about how I should have had the calm, peaceful labor I prepared for and instead there was so much pain and negativity and why did it have to hurt so bad while so many other women could relax and enjoy their labors? I recognized that it wasn't my fault labor had been so hard and that everyone is different. I knew in my head that I hadn't done anything wrong in my last labor, but my emotions were screaming that I had let myself, my birthing team, Todd and Aurella down by reacting so negatively and never achieving what I had worked so hard for. And then I felt peace. It's hard to explain, but having all those emotions out and in the open was a really good thing. Like finally I could deal with it. I started reading a book I've been meaning to get around to, Birthing From Within by Pam England and Rob Horowitz. It has addressed so many things I wish I could have read before Aurella's birth. My favorite part so far is this:
"WHAT IS IT MOST WOMEN ARE AFRAID OF "LOSING"?
I've learned how important it is to ask women the following questions (I never assume I know what "losing it" means to them):
- What does "losing it" in labor mean to you?
- What is it you fear about "losing it" in labor?
- How much of your concern is about what you would think about yourself, versus what other people would think about you if you "lost it"?
- If you completely "lost it" in labor, what would you be doing?
- How might "losing it" in labor be helpful to you?
Most of us are afraid to give up the image of who we think we are, or are supposed to be. So, when facing the unknown of birth, especially while being bombarded by stories of other women's "successes" or "failures", we hold on even tighter to our ideal image. The desire to maintain that persona often drives the search for magic techniques and perfect birth settings.
Give it up. Expect/accept that you probably will lose something (confidence, "control") at some point during labor. If you feel like you're losing control, accept it, even embrace it. You may be surprised to find that the moment will pass. In fact, fighting the moment feeds and prolongs your sense of desperation.
In Zen there is a saying, "Fall down seven times, get up eight times." This teaching models the tremendous determination and concentration you will need to give birth your way."
I'm still afraid of giving birth again but I'm also excited to try again and see if I can be more positive and look back on it with better feelings. I did have a very good outcome from Aurella's birth. Everyone was healthy and doing well, and I don't mean to undermine how amazing that was, but obviously there was some residual trauma from her birth and I don't want trauma with this one. So I have a few plans put into place to help me to be more positive through the labor which I believe will make the overall experience better, even if there's just as much pain as last time.
1) Affirmations, taped to the walls, so that I will always remember to be positive. Repeating one of these positive affirmations completely changed my labor from simply suffering through my labor to working hard and getting closer to seeing my baby. I'm thinking if I catch myself from the beginning, instead of saying things like "No one should have to do this" and "This hurts so bad" etc, I can say positive things and make this a good experience.
2) I bought clary sage essential oil and fennel essential oil, both of which have helped labor pains for others. Hopefully the scents alone will help clear my mind and help me to focus.
3) I created two playlists on YouTube. The first is for early labor, when things are hard but not lose-my-mind hard. It has artists like Ra Ra Riot, Ron Pope, Dido, Gavin DeGraw and Blue October (crazy random, I know). The second is for harder labor and basically just the Mack Wilberg Requiem album with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (incredible music, very spiritual stuff).
4) Of course, eating dates and drinking over 2 quarts of Red Raspberry Leaf tea every day. If it's worked for others, you can bet I'm going to try it.
My labor does not need to be perfect. That's something I have learned from last time, that this labor can still be what I want, even if I do lose control again, even if I am negative, even if I go a little crazy. As long as I accept myself and my efforts as my best, that is the goal.
*whew* This has become quite the long blog post! Let's get to the pregnancy update.
How far along: 38 weeks, 3 days
Total weight gain: 55 lbs
Stretch marks: I've now got some new ones on my hips and thighs...yikes!
Sleep: Every morning when I wake up, I feel relieved the night is over. My hips ache, turning over in bed takes forever, and getting out of bed to go to the bathroom is so painful!
Best moment this week: We spent the afternoon on Memorial Day with family. It was a lot of fun and I love that Aurella got to play with her cousins!
Miss anything? Everything I've said in previous posts, still.
Movement: lots of pokes. I'm worried this baby has turned sunnyside up, I can't find the back and bum as easily as before.
Food cravings: the RRL tea with honey and fresh squeezed lemon is so addicting! I love it. Other than that though, the cravings aren't really there so much.
Aversions: I made a crockpot dinner yesterday and the recipe called for a lot of thyme. When it was time to eat, the smell was so revolting I had to eat leftovers instead! Todd and Aurella ate it but I couldn't.
Gender: Surprise! I call him a 'he' all the time though.
Labor signs: This baby is super engaged in my pelvis most of the time, but will go back up near my lungs every once in a while.
Also, last night I was watching Gilmore Girls and suddenly I had INTENSE contractions that caused crazy back pain. I got up off the couch and onto my yoga ball and after about five minutes the contractions finally got less and less intense and then stopped all together. I have no idea what that was about. It did make me realize I really really wanted to mop the kitchen floor before the baby came (which I did today! Score!)
Symptoms: NESTING NESTING NESTING! Both for Todd and myself! We finally got curtains up in front of the sliding glass door, brought the extra table we had in the living room down to the basement, Todd's doing lots of outdoor work with his dad and I'm keeping up on laundry and my little birth projects.
Happy or moody: All over the place, unfortunately! Most of the time I'm doing pretty good, but there are times when the moodiness just pulls me down and I can't help but be grumpy about still being pregnant. Or I'll take everything Todd says wrong and be super weepy and needy. It's like I can tell when it's happening but I can't stop myself!
Looking forward to: That moment when labor is over and there's the most precious, tiny baby on my chest, waiting for me to get to know.
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