34 weeks and feelin' it

I'm going to talk about something I don't think I've really talked about on my blog. I didn't even realize it was a thing, really. I think I've been in denial over this emotional discomfort I've had, kind of an obsession with not being pregnant anymore. I try not to but I look up birth stories of preemies according to how far along I am. At my midwife appointments I ask questions about if I'm too big or if something is wrong with me.

The past month it's gotten a lot worse. I look huge. I feel huge. And a few hours after I took this picture on Monday, I had a panic attack. I had kind of set myself up for it, I guess. I compared this 34 picture with the 37 week picture of me with Aurella, and to me I looked the same. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop thinking about how tired I get every day, how throughout the day I need to take a break from doing things like standing. How going up and down the stairs leaves me winded for a few seconds, and how I can't hold my baby girl on my lap for too long without some limb falling asleep. I couldn't stand the thought of being pregnant for six more weeks, or two more weeks, or two more days. Anyway...long story short, I panicked, went to see my midwife the next day and everything she checked was perfect and right on schedule. I'm even measuring on track. So we talked. We talked about how I've had anxiety pretty consistently throughout the pregnancy and how it's probably related to the trauma of Aurella's birth. I hadn't met my current midwife until right after I knew I was pregnant again, but she had heard of me. She had heard of my labor and how awful and hard it was. (Read about it here) She said it was ok to accept that it was hard and that it was affecting my current pregnancy. And you know what? I hadn't even thought of it. It hadn't even occurred to me that the obsession of having this baby early I have been having may have had to do with my fear of being pregnant, fear of going through labor again. It made sense that it was just my way of wanting everything to be over with and finally being able to hold this baby in my arms.

I feel better. Not totally, I still wouldn't mind at all going into early labor in two or three weeks, but it's comforting that there's not actually anything physically wrong with me. I can remind myself that I still haven't quite gotten over the labor with Aurella, and that's why I feel wrong and huge and scared. It makes my fear seem smaller, possible to handle, and like I really could go full term, or even past. Hopefully I can get to a place where I can actually enjoy the last few weeks of my pregnancy.

How far along: 34 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain: 49 lbs

Stretch marks: New marks mingling with the old...so yeah. Definitely stretch marks.

Sleep: Continues to be really great, as long as I get to bed early enough. I've had moments of insomnia but over all it's not bad.

Best moment this week: TODD. Person, not moment. He has picked up so much slack lately, with me getting bigger and more tired, he seems to just take it in stride. I love him.

Miss Anything? Oh, you know. Moving about like a regular human being. Having the energy and physical ability to hold my child however long I want to. Little things like that...

Movement: Has slowed down a lot but there is still a lot of shifting. I love it.

Food cravings: I think I have finally gotten to a point where I'm not really craving anything. I'm even going on a sugar fast to try and feel better about myself and hopefully give me less reasons to be freaked out by this pregnancy.

Aversions: Nothing.

Gender: Still don't know.

Labor signs: Still just having Braxton Hicks all the time. I've been drinking at least one cup of raspberry leaf tea a day and I feel like my body is responding to that!

Symptoms: Still tired. Not quite as unmotivated as I have been. Unfortunately though, it has been replaced by panicky. Hopefully that will continue to subside.

Wedding ring on or off? It's been off for a while now!

Happy or moody: Probably more moody than happy.

Looking forward to: Getting all the birthing supplies and finding my gender neutral newborn sized clothing.