Wow, I can't believe it's almost been a month since I last updated, especially since I've been meaning to since the day my baby was born. Holy Moses it's been crazy, so crazy the last three weeks or so. I feel like I have been so sleep deprived and getting used to being a new mom that everything else has totally been put on the back burner. In fact, probably the only reason I'm able to update right now is because I think I've finally gotten the hang of my Boba wrap. Finally, my hands are free!!
Yep, I look pretty tired.
I'm going to take this time to share my birth story. I've been meaning to write it down because I've absolutely loved reading others' stories. I felt like it helped prepare me for my own birth experience. Although to be honest, looking back, there's probably nothing that could have prepared me for what happened. So quick disclaimer, I will be talking about an experience which will include details not all of you may be comfortable with. Proceed with caution, or turn back now!
Also, I quickly just want to say that I acknowledge that the way I birthed is not necessarily the best way for everyone, but it was absolutely the best way for me. I gave birth to my daughter at home. I didn't do it to be praised, or to be well thought of, or to prove anything. I did it because Todd and I felt it would be the best for our baby.
I started having pressure waves (contractions) at about 6 or 6:30am Monday morning on April 21st. That's when they woke me up, anyway. I tried to sleep a little longer but they were intense enough that it wasn't possible. Through the morning I continued doing my usual routine, every few minutes pausing to get through a pressure wave. I didn't know if it was for real or if my body was just practicing again, so I didn't think much of what was happening. Todd went off to work and I decided to go for a walk with a couple of friends. We circled the park a few blocks from my house for about an hour. The pressure waves were not consistent at all, especially when around other people, but when they did happen I had to stop everything and lean against something. I used my Hypnobabies relaxation tools through these minor pressure waves which made them relaxing and exciting instead of panic inducing and painful, although they did take a lot of energy and effort.
Aurella, day 1
After my walk, I continued to labor at home. I tried to go about my usual cleaning around the house but I couldn't seem to get anything done. I had to move so much more slowly than normal and finally contacted my mom and another friend to come over and keep me company. The day completely flew by. The pressure waves didn't become consistent enough until around 7pm that night. I had been keeping in touch with my midwife all day and she said she would come over when they became six minutes apart. When she and her three assistants arrived, frustratingly, the pressure waves became sporadic and random again. My midwife checked me, and although I was 90% effaced, I was only dilated to a one. After all day of mild labor I was only at a one! That was hard to hear because I still didn't quite know if this was the real thing or if I would have to send everyone home again.
As the night progressed, the pressure waves did become more intense, and I started doing more of the Hypnobabies techniques. Looking back, I don't think I was truly able to focus on getting to a deep enough state of relaxation because of how many people were there. It was more like a party. While I love having my friends and family around and having a good time, I definitely didn't realize how inappropriate that would be for me at that time. It's just such a huge part of who I am that I didn't even question it. So, even though Todd was saying his cues during pressure waves and we even had a recording going on in the background, I think I was too self-conscious to truly let go and focus inside of myself like I needed to.
If I could go back, I would change that, because the more intense the pressure waves became, the more panicked I got. I feel like since I wasn't able to get to that place of hypnosis and relaxation, the whole thing just didn't work for me (once hard labor began), which I had not anticipated at all. While in the moment, I thought I was doing everything 'right' to achieve that relaxation but I think just knowing that so many people were there distracted me.
As the night progressed, my focus started slipping away; I was losing control. In between pressure waves I would yell to no one in particular about how the pain was unbelievable and how no one should have to go through it. I yelled about how I wasn't cut out for this. I yelled at my poor mom for having such a high pain tolerance when I felt like I had next to none. I yelled that this was why people got epidurals. To cope with the pain I yelled that I needed to go to the hospital and get an epidural, not being serious about it though. I look back on the experience and am sad to say it brought out so much negativity in me. I did have a lot of help, and I would get a handle on myself, but I would always slip back to saying negative things.
At around 2 or 3am, I was only dilated to about a 4. My midwife suggested that they break my water at this time. I previously didn't want anything to prematurely speed up the labor since I believed that I should give my body all the time it needed to progress on it's own, but at the moment I didn't care anymore and just wanted it over. After they broke my water things definitely progressed, and the pain increased exponentially.
Aurella, day 2
I thought I was at my breaking point when my mother-in-law came in the room with a very close, trusted family member on the phone who was able to talk me through the next few hours which I would say were the most painful hours I've ever experienced. I don't know how I did it, but I was able to stay in control (breathing and moaning as opposed to screaming and yelling negative things) at least half the time, I think, although the whole thing is just a blur. My friend on the phone kept me repeating positive things like, "my body knows how to get my baby safely here," so that the negative things stayed out of my head. That helped me so much, even as I was sure my body was splitting apart in places I had never even felt before.
At around 5:30am or so, I started pushing. Even though the pain wasn't any less, there was a major sense of relief coming from the fact that I was doing something that felt proactive to me. Instead of just trying to release tension and hoping it would be effective, I could actually push against the pain which was much more familiar and doable for me. It was still very difficult though.
After pushing for what felt like forever, no one could see the head yet and I started getting scared that what had happened at my sister's birth would happen to me. I was afraid I would push for hours and hours only to have to get a c-section due to my pelvis being too small for the baby's head. This fear was very strong and, combined with the excruciating pain I was going through, made me panic to the point where I actually did demand to be taken to the hospital, but at that point my baby was so close to being born that my midwife knew it would be safer to stay and deliver my baby at home. She also knew my baby was descending down the birth canal instead of staying up high at my pelvic bone. Also, the baby was fine, they were checking her heart rate constantly. My midwife finally looked me straight in the eyes and said in a very firm voice that if I needed to go to the hospital, she would take me to the hospital. I decided to trust her which really calmed me down and allowed me to bear down and push so that they could finally see the baby's head which gave me so much hope that this experience was almost over! I pushed harder, but there was a muscle that was keeping the baby's head from coming out. I pushed and pushed with all my might for what seemed like an eternity. I felt like I would always be there, in my bedroom, pushing and pushing and pushing. I started feeling dizzy so I was given oxygen. We tried several different positions. I remember saying "I need to go now, I need to go..." just wanting to be away from my body, from the awful pain, yet knowing there was no way out. I could feel my daughter's body in my pelvis, just...stuck. I labored and labored and labored.
Aurella, day 3
Finally, as I could see the morning light from my window, everyone started getting really excited.
"The head! It's right there!"
"Just one more push!"
"You're so close!"
Sitting on the birthing seat I suddenly felt the crowning of my baby's head. Someone asked if I wanted to touch it, and even though before the birth I thought that was really gross and I would never do it, at that moment in time I had worked so hard and gone through so much that I did reach down and touch her head which was frighteningly squishy and fuzzy. All of the sudden, afraid for her safety, I pushed hard one last time even though I felt on the verge of passing out. And there she was, sliding out of me like a jellyfish. Immediately, a sense of empowerment, wonder, love and something else so ancient I can't define what it was filled me. And of course relief. They placed my vernix-covered, cone-headed baby in my arms and I could not look away. She cried, stopped, looked around with wide eyes and then started crying again. I told her how perfect she was over and over again. Todd cut the cord after it stopped pulsing. After the placenta was delivered they moved me to my bed so I could lie down and nurse her, and so they could stitch the small tear I had sustained. Later that day, when I was given a chance to rest, I couldn't. This strange energy had me wide awake and wanting my baby.
My beautiful baby. My Aurella was born 7:25am Tuesday morning, April 22nd, two days after her due date.
For days afterward, when I would talk about the birth to others, I would only talk about the pain, the fear I had during it. For some reason, I was in denial and sort of rejected the empowerment, the feelings of love and elation I had after the birth. I think it was because going through the birth was so hard, I felt like I needed to honor that and not forget like so many women do once they have their baby in their arms. I would think of the future to when I would give birth to another child and would be filled with fear and dread. As the days passed though, I was able to reconcile my memories of fear and embrace what came afterwards: A healthy, beautiful baby, a sense of empowerment, the awe and primal love which made it all worth it. I think I just needed time to process everything that had happened. Now I can look back, not with fear and dread but with amazement that I did it. I went through that trying time, and now I know I can do far more than I thought I could. I can look forward with hope to another birth and know that I can do it the way I want to, at the place I feel most comfortable and safe: home.
Aurella, day 4
