Kate's birth story

I'm 5 weeks postpartum and determined to get this story typed out and on my blog! Life has been uneventful but packed full to the brim and racing by. I love it and it makes me frustrated sometimes and happy most of the time and I wouldn't trade this life for anything.

It was 3am June 6th, 39 weeks and one day, that I woke up to a deep pelvic ache. It would grow in intensity and then fade, just like contractions. I went to the kitchen and decided I would make my red raspberry leaf tea for the day and try to clean the kitchen, since there was no way I was going back to sleep. I couldn't go very fast at all since I would have pretty intense contractions about every 5 or 6 minutes, and I figured it may not be real labor, but I'd continue cleaning the kitchen anyway just in case. I discovered whenever I sat down to rest, the contractions would space out to about every 10 minutes so my hopes were not high. I did end up sending a text to my midwife at around 6 am to call me, just because the contractions weren't going away. She called not much later and did tell me I was probably in early labor and if she came over the contractions would probably stop. She told me to keep working through them and to call her when my contractions were consistent even while resting.

Day 1

At around 7:30, I had made my tea and cleaned my kitchen. My doula called around then. I had sent her a text at around 4 am but her husband had turned her phone off! It was ok though, I wasn't worried. My doula told me to drink a ton of water and go for a walk. Aurella woke up around that time and was super clingy and tantrum-y. Way more than normal and I was getting really frustrated. I couldn't think when she screamed and she would hurl herself at my legs begging me to pick her up. I got Todd up (because yes, he is that good at sleeping) and we all planned to go for a walk together and hopefully Aurella would calm down. Now, I have to mention, during the pregnancy I had this beautiful fantasy of going into labor, having Aurella around the house while I labored and then having her at the birth. Which is so freaking hilarious to me now, because there was NO WAY IN H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS I was laboring with this child around. In fact, every time she'd freak out and scream and yell, my contractions would slow to a complete halt. I called Todd's sister who we'd arranged would take care of Aurella when I went into labor and we arranged for her to pick Aurella up after our walk. Trust me, I love that girl with the power of a million suns, but wow I needed her gone fast.

She is adorable.

As we were getting dressed to go to the park I passed in front of a mirror and noticed that I looked very different from the day before. I'll post a picture and see if you can tell...

Um just for kicks and giggles...

  A BIT OF A DIFFERENCE!

Anyway, we came home and as soon as Aurella was gone, my contractions picked right up again. And that's when things got crazay.

I was starting to get that this was for real and knew I wouldn't be able to take a shower for a while after the birth so I quickly took one and then tried to take a nap. My last labor was 24 hours and I wanted to be rested, but the contractions were impossible to sleep through. A few minutes later and I was kneeling over my yoga ball telling Todd to push on my lower back as I worked through the contractions. My mom came about that time and was a wonderful support. I sent a text to my doula and my midwife at 11:09 am telling them this was the real deal and I was probably still in the beginning of labor so not to rush. at 11:25 I sent another text that told them to never mind, hurry! The labor was progressing fast. I was starting to feel that kind of pain that makes you wonder if you can truly get through it or if it will destroy you, but this time I had a plan to overcome it. I had put up those positive affirmations I made, all over my walls in my bedroom. They became crucial in allowing me to remember what I was doing and why in the midst of quick fast intense pain. I would start to slip and say something like "I can't do this" and then Todd or my mom would read one of my affirmations and I would repeat it over and over and just cling to it. That one strategy changed my entire labor from being like the first. I was happy, I remembered why I was doing this instead of just despairing. I was actively working and in between contractions I was excited and even happy, if a bit scared. 

Day 3

When my doula and midwife finally got to my house around 12:45 pm, I was at a 9 dilated, which blew my mind! I figured I had HOURS to go until I was dilated that much! My wonderful beautiful doula jumped right in and gave me the most incredible counter-pressure that further empowered me to believe that I could do this. Everything was such a whirlwind I didn't even notice Todd slipping out, and I later learned that he had gone to mop the floor! I had asked him to do it earlier that day because, again, I knew I wouldn't be able to do it for a while. Love that man!

Day 4

After a few more really intense contractions I started grunting and everyone started encouraging me to grunt more, and if I wanted to push to do it. I was so excited for this part because last time it was the easiest part! I was brought to the bed and I started pushing, which I immediately began to understand that this was not going to be the same as last time. This was PAINFUL! My midwife later explained to me that she could tell it was a really big baby. She also saw that my pelvis was android, or heart shaped, which means it was shaped really small, so she had me push on my back to prevent tearing as much as possible. I am grateful for a midwife who had the experience to know what would cause the least amount of damage to me and what would be best for the baby. Now having said that, I HATED pushing on my back! Gravity was against me instead of with me, my stomach was so cramped that I would get nauseated and as I pushed I could feel my pelvis just tearing apart. I felt so much widening and pressure in my hips, which I now know was to make room for my 9.5 lb baby! It took an hour and twenty minutes of pushing. I again was clinging to my affirmations. My favorite one was "The best things are worth the work". Finally, and what seemed to me to be very sudden, my midwife said that the head was out! I kind of didn't believe her, but then after the next push they were handing me my baby!! I was shocked and delighted and relieved and overcome with awe at this beautiful babe. I heard my midwife say "Don't tell her, let her find out for herself what the baby is!"

I looked down and saw the umbilical cord in the way, but in my exhausted and hazy state thought it was a boy's anatomy, so I said "It's a boy!"

"Look again," I heard, so I moved the cord and I saw that I was wrong! It was a precious sweet baby girl! My precious sweet baby girl. It was an incredible surprise, especially after all these months of feeling that it was a boy. Todd and I just snuggled her until I pushed the placenta out and Todd cut the cord. She had the most incredible spirit about her. So sweet. So peaceful. We didn't know what to call her. Names passed through my mind but nothing seemed right. Then Todd said, "How about Kate?" and it fit. A strong family name shared by Todd's Grandma Katherine and Great-Grandma Kate. The name we loved before we thought of Aurella's name. It was perfect.

Kate McNeill was born 6/6/16 at 2:25 pm. She weighed 9lb 9oz, 23 inches long. Birthing this girl was painful and difficult, but it was transformative and healing from my last labor. Kate is worth all the discomfort and our family wouldn't feel complete without her. It's been wonderful watching her grow and seeing how Aurella loves her and wants to help out. I've had quite a journey of healing but that's for another post...

Meet Kate

6 days old

She's here! The days have been flying by as I've been recovering and Todd and I are so grateful for all the help and support we've been given since Kate has joined our family. She arrived June 6th at 2:25 pm, weighing 9 lbs and 9 oz. I still sometimes just can't believe she's here and in our arms and healthy. I LOVE not being pregnant anymore!! Being pregnant this time around was just a lot more emotionally and physically taxing than it was last time. Everyday I am grateful that we have our long-awaited sweetling with us.

Since Kate has been born we've had a few adventures. We discovered a lip tie that was getting in the way of comfortably nursing by tightening her mouth every time she wanted to eat. We got a few recommendations from my doula and got it taken care of last week.

The very next feeding after the procedure, nursing was already better. I highly recommend getting it checked out if nursing is a challenge! I also got to go to the dentist for some tooth pain I've had for about a month now, and got a root canal the same day Kate had her lip tie fixed. We're quite the pair, she and I!

Kate has such a sweet, gentle spirit about her. It's a special thing to be near her. Aurella is super excited to be a big sister and loves to show that she can be "soft" with her whenever she can! She'll gently put her hand on Kate's head and whisper "soft". Aurella also likes to have Kate lie down next to her in her crib at bedtime so they can both have a book read to them. It's the sweetest thing! No matter how bad of a tantrum Aurella is having, she always takes notice of Kate and makes sure to be soft and gentle around her (although she gets so excited we do have to remind her most of the time!).

Kate's birth was a really good experience. I'm still working on her birth story. Coming soon...

38 Week update

Baby's almost fully cooked! I can't believe we're this far, so close to meeting our new addition to our family. So close to seeing Aurella grow up a little bit and become a big sister! *tear* I am at the point where people look at me and can't help but say something. I've gotten random comments on my size, questions about my due date, mostly from people I've never seen before! I have to admit, I'm so odd. I love the attention.

I have finally come face to face with my fear of labor - meaning I was really really sad one day last week and I couldn't really tell why. I was just depressed and grumpy. During Aurella's nap I felt really strongly that I should pray about it and ask for help, so I did, and all of the sudden, I felt this overwhelming fear of going into labor. It just slammed into my chest and I was thinking about how I should have had the calm, peaceful labor I prepared for and instead there was so much pain and negativity and why did it have to hurt so bad while so many other women could relax and enjoy their labors? I recognized that it wasn't my fault labor had been so hard and that everyone is different. I knew in my head that I hadn't done anything wrong in my last labor, but my emotions were screaming that I had let myself, my birthing team, Todd and Aurella down by reacting so negatively and never achieving what I had worked so hard for. And then I felt peace. It's hard to explain, but having all those emotions out and in the open was a really good thing. Like finally I could deal with it. I started reading a book I've been meaning to get around to, Birthing From Within by Pam England and Rob Horowitz. It has addressed so many things I wish I could have read before Aurella's birth. My favorite part so far is this:

"WHAT IS IT MOST WOMEN ARE AFRAID OF "LOSING"?
I've learned how important it is to ask women the following questions (I never assume I know what "losing it" means to them):
- What does "losing it" in labor mean to you?
- What is it you fear about "losing it" in labor?
- How much of your concern is about what you would think about yourself, versus what other people would think about you if you "lost it"?
- If you completely "lost it" in labor, what would you be doing?
- How might "losing it" in labor be helpful to you?

Most of us are afraid to give up the image of who we think we are, or are supposed to be. So, when facing the unknown of birth, especially while being bombarded by stories of other women's "successes" or "failures", we hold on even tighter to our ideal image. The desire to maintain that persona often drives the search for magic techniques and perfect birth settings.
Give it up. Expect/accept that you probably will lose something (confidence, "control") at some point during labor. If you feel like you're losing control, accept it, even embrace it. You may be surprised to find that the moment will pass. In fact, fighting the moment feeds and prolongs your sense of desperation.
In Zen there is a saying, "Fall down seven times, get up eight times." This teaching models the tremendous determination and concentration you will need to give birth your way."

I'm still afraid of giving birth again but I'm also excited to try again and see if I can be more positive and look back on it with better feelings. I did have a very good outcome from Aurella's birth. Everyone was healthy and doing well, and I don't mean to undermine how amazing that was, but obviously there was some residual trauma from her birth and I don't want trauma with this one. So I have a few plans put into place to help me to be more positive through the labor which I believe will make the overall experience better, even if there's just as much pain as last time.

1) Affirmations, taped to the walls, so that I will always remember to be positive. Repeating one of these positive affirmations completely changed my labor from simply suffering through my labor to working hard and getting closer to seeing my baby. I'm thinking if I catch myself from the beginning, instead of saying things like "No one should have to do this" and "This hurts so bad" etc, I can say positive things and make this a good experience.

2) I bought clary sage essential oil and fennel essential oil, both of which have helped labor pains for others. Hopefully the scents alone will help clear my mind and help me to focus.

3) I created two playlists on YouTube. The first is for early labor, when things are hard but not lose-my-mind hard. It has artists like Ra Ra Riot, Ron Pope, Dido, Gavin DeGraw and Blue October (crazy random, I know). The second is for harder labor and basically just the Mack Wilberg Requiem album with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (incredible music, very spiritual stuff).

4) Of course, eating dates and drinking over 2 quarts of Red Raspberry Leaf tea every day. If it's worked for others, you can bet I'm going to try it.

My labor does not need to be perfect. That's something I have learned from last time, that this labor can still be what I want, even if I do lose control again, even if I am negative, even if I go a little crazy. As long as I accept myself and my efforts as my best, that is the goal.

*whew* This has become quite the long blog post! Let's get to the pregnancy update.

How far along: 38 weeks, 3 days

Total weight gain: 55 lbs

Stretch marks: I've now got some new ones on my hips and thighs...yikes!

Sleep: Every morning when I wake up, I feel relieved the night is over. My hips ache, turning over in bed takes forever, and getting out of bed to go to the bathroom is so painful!

Best moment this week: We spent the afternoon on Memorial Day with family. It was a lot of fun and I love that Aurella got to play with her cousins!

Miss anything? Everything I've said in previous posts, still.

Movement: lots of pokes. I'm worried this baby has turned sunnyside up, I can't find the back and bum as easily as before.

Food cravings: the RRL tea with honey and fresh squeezed lemon is so addicting! I love it. Other than that though, the cravings aren't really there so much.

Aversions: I made a crockpot dinner yesterday and the recipe called for a lot of thyme. When it was time to eat, the smell was so revolting I had to eat leftovers instead! Todd and Aurella ate it but I couldn't.

Gender: Surprise! I call him a 'he' all the time though.

Labor signs: This baby is super engaged in my pelvis most of the time, but will go back up near my lungs every once in a while.

Also, last night I was watching Gilmore Girls and suddenly I had INTENSE contractions that caused crazy back pain. I got up off the couch and onto my yoga ball and after about five minutes the contractions finally got less and less intense and then stopped all together. I have no idea what that was about. It did make me realize I really really wanted to mop the kitchen floor before the baby came (which I did today! Score!)

Symptoms: NESTING NESTING NESTING! Both for Todd and myself! We finally got curtains up in front of the sliding glass door, brought the extra table we had in the living room down to the basement, Todd's doing lots of outdoor work with his dad and I'm keeping up on laundry and my little birth projects.

Happy or moody: All over the place, unfortunately! Most of the time I'm doing pretty good, but there are times when the moodiness just pulls me down and I can't help but be grumpy about still being pregnant. Or I'll take everything Todd says wrong and be super weepy and needy. It's like I can tell when it's happening but I can't stop myself!

Looking forward to: That moment when labor is over and there's the most precious, tiny baby on my chest, waiting for me to get to know.

36 Week Update

Here we are, 36 weeks and in the home stretch! From here on out, baby can be born safely at home and should be fine. It's crazy, for so much of the pregnancy I've been obsessed with the baby coming early, and now that I'm at this point, I'm comfortable with the idea of having more time until the baby comes. In fact, I feel very comfortable with the idea of baby taking a long time to get here. Like, a week or two late actually sounds so good to me! Of course, I'd have to stay in my house and never leave since there would be absolutely nothing that would fit me by then...speaking of size, I'm so big. I know I said that last time, and have probably every post, but I think if I get any bigger my belly could develop it's own climate. It will have it's own weather system you guys.

How far along: 36 weeks 1 day

Total weight gain: 52 lbs

Stretch marks: Same as last time.

Sleep: My hips!! The moment I open my eyes in the morning I have to get out of bed due to my hips aching so bad. No lounging, no keep-that-awesome-dream-going-for-five-more-minutes shut-eye. My body is DONE and I have to be out of bed. Oh, and sleep during the night is still pretty good. I know, I'm lucky!

Best moment this week: On Saturday my sis-in-law Amy and I finally went out to get pedicures for her birthday that was last month. While we were there we of course got questions about how far along I was, what the gender of the baby was etc. When I told them I didn't know yet, the lady giving Amy her pedicure took a look at me for like two seconds and then said with an absolute-authority tone of voice, "It's a boy."
So what did we do after the pedicures? We may have let this happen....

Miss anything? Being...not ginormous.

Movement: Shifts, rolls, hiccups. I love feeling every bit of it.

Food cravings: HAMBURGERS. Specifically the ones from Burger King with no onions. Which Todd thinks is funny because for as long as he's known me, I've detested Burger King.

Aversions: Nothing, really.

Gender: I've been thinking it's a boy this whole time but recently I've been second-guessing everything I once had an opinion on, it feels like. So...I have no idea! I'll be happy with either, though.

Labor signs: Saturday night Todd and I went to Wal-Mart to get some groceries and supplies for the birth. As soon as we stepped through the doors, I started having intense Braxton Hicks and even cramping. Todd would ask me a question and I would try to concentrate, but getting through the contractions was all I could think about! I was useless! The contractions calmed down a lot though after we got home and I could put my feet up.

I've been drinking Red Raspberry Leaf tea for almost a month now, at least one cup a day and about a week ago I've made sure to drink four cups a day. I've heard both on the internet and from friends that it can strengthen uterine muscles and prepare you for birth. It can make labor pains less and shorten the time you're in labor. I figure ANYTHING to help with that, I'm going to try it! Also, I have noticed that the more I drink the tea, the more Braxton Hicks I get, so something is working.

Symptoms: I'm congested ALL the time. It's horrible! This will be a bit TMI but I feel as soon as I get cleared out, not an hour will go by and I have to find a tissue so I can breathe again. I have a box of Kleenex in three different rooms in my house and I've gone through so many. Please let this be a pregnancy thing so I don't have to deal with it after the baby is born!

Also, I think nesting has just hit, like, today. I've been going and going all day (although what I've gotten done is not super obvious). I've got SO much more energy than I've had in so long and I feel like I have to get everything ready for baby. Everything. Which means, not having a car to myself is driving me nuts since I can't just go see something I found on KSL immediately, unless I drive Todd to work.

Wedding ring on or off? Off, so off, and will probably be off for months after the birth, if it's anything like last time.

Happy or moody: Both.

Looking forward to: My husband's aunt offered to give me a massage on Wednesday to try out her new massage table that accommodates pregnant women. I'm so looking forward to that, especially with the freezer meals all done. I'm also looking forward to my midwife appointment this week which will be at my house!

34 weeks and feelin' it

I'm going to talk about something I don't think I've really talked about on my blog. I didn't even realize it was a thing, really. I think I've been in denial over this emotional discomfort I've had, kind of an obsession with not being pregnant anymore. I try not to but I look up birth stories of preemies according to how far along I am. At my midwife appointments I ask questions about if I'm too big or if something is wrong with me.

The past month it's gotten a lot worse. I look huge. I feel huge. And a few hours after I took this picture on Monday, I had a panic attack. I had kind of set myself up for it, I guess. I compared this 34 picture with the 37 week picture of me with Aurella, and to me I looked the same. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop thinking about how tired I get every day, how throughout the day I need to take a break from doing things like standing. How going up and down the stairs leaves me winded for a few seconds, and how I can't hold my baby girl on my lap for too long without some limb falling asleep. I couldn't stand the thought of being pregnant for six more weeks, or two more weeks, or two more days. Anyway...long story short, I panicked, went to see my midwife the next day and everything she checked was perfect and right on schedule. I'm even measuring on track. So we talked. We talked about how I've had anxiety pretty consistently throughout the pregnancy and how it's probably related to the trauma of Aurella's birth. I hadn't met my current midwife until right after I knew I was pregnant again, but she had heard of me. She had heard of my labor and how awful and hard it was. (Read about it here) She said it was ok to accept that it was hard and that it was affecting my current pregnancy. And you know what? I hadn't even thought of it. It hadn't even occurred to me that the obsession of having this baby early I have been having may have had to do with my fear of being pregnant, fear of going through labor again. It made sense that it was just my way of wanting everything to be over with and finally being able to hold this baby in my arms.

I feel better. Not totally, I still wouldn't mind at all going into early labor in two or three weeks, but it's comforting that there's not actually anything physically wrong with me. I can remind myself that I still haven't quite gotten over the labor with Aurella, and that's why I feel wrong and huge and scared. It makes my fear seem smaller, possible to handle, and like I really could go full term, or even past. Hopefully I can get to a place where I can actually enjoy the last few weeks of my pregnancy.

How far along: 34 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain: 49 lbs

Stretch marks: New marks mingling with the old...so yeah. Definitely stretch marks.

Sleep: Continues to be really great, as long as I get to bed early enough. I've had moments of insomnia but over all it's not bad.

Best moment this week: TODD. Person, not moment. He has picked up so much slack lately, with me getting bigger and more tired, he seems to just take it in stride. I love him.

Miss Anything? Oh, you know. Moving about like a regular human being. Having the energy and physical ability to hold my child however long I want to. Little things like that...

Movement: Has slowed down a lot but there is still a lot of shifting. I love it.

Food cravings: I think I have finally gotten to a point where I'm not really craving anything. I'm even going on a sugar fast to try and feel better about myself and hopefully give me less reasons to be freaked out by this pregnancy.

Aversions: Nothing.

Gender: Still don't know.

Labor signs: Still just having Braxton Hicks all the time. I've been drinking at least one cup of raspberry leaf tea a day and I feel like my body is responding to that!

Symptoms: Still tired. Not quite as unmotivated as I have been. Unfortunately though, it has been replaced by panicky. Hopefully that will continue to subside.

Wedding ring on or off? It's been off for a while now!

Happy or moody: Probably more moody than happy.

Looking forward to: Getting all the birthing supplies and finding my gender neutral newborn sized clothing.

Our toddler is two!

Aurella has turned two years old! She is growing up so fast and is changing so quickly. Her ability to pronounce words is getting better and better and she loves to use words she knows in order to communicate with us. She likes to count and will count different things on any given book we're reading. She also knows the alphabet, somehow! I wasn't teaching her but we got a alphabet magnet set so she could play with it on the fridge and she just became obsessed with those letters, naming them and taking them everywhere she went (we only have like, four letters left). Aurella is constantly moving except for when she's watching a show she likes or when she's sleeping! We got her a wiggle bike for her birthday since she was always stealing the neighbor boys' bikes and making them mad. Now she rides with them around our cul-de-sac and they all have an even better time than before.

Aurella has such a loving heart and loves being with family. I accidentally taught her to say "love me" when she wants me to listen to her. I'll be sitting with her on my lap, listening to something Todd is saying and she'll put her hands on my cheeks and turn my head towards her while saying "love me!". And then proceed to babble while having a very serious look on her face. She has stories she wants to tell, too! Whenever she's eating anything she always wants to share her food. Even when she's eating her favorite thing in the world, fruit snacks, She'll usually give one to me or her dad and insist we "bite".



Aurella loves to sing. She has started to make up her own songs and sing them at the top of her lungs especially when he's in the car. She also loves babies. When we're in the store, if we pass by one she'll always gasp, eyes wide and say "baby!" with reverence. We got to meet Aurella's cousin Caleb who was born almost a week ago. Aurella was so excited to see him and wanted to make sure he had his pacifier. She'll be a big help when her baby will arrive in June!

Bumpdate: 30 weeks pregnant

 Ahhh April, you are beautiful today! Beautiful enough to trade my leggings for shorts and spend time outside in the sun. My current dream is to find an umbrella and a glider lawn chair(or bench) for the backyard, especially for when it gets hot. It's kind of strange to remember April the last time I was pregnant, and looking forward to labor within the next few weeks. Now I've got 10 more weeks left, which is still right around the corner! I think I'm happy with enjoying the warmer weather (for now). This baby can take it's time!

Aurella is preparing for baby by taking advantage of being the only child with the time she's got left. She enjoys cuddling and snuggling, asking us to hold her by holding her arms up and saying "I hold you!", and has gotten really good at the fake whine/cry that lets us know she needs some TLC. She is also very clingy and will refuse to go to well beloved grandparents, aunts and uncles until she 'warms up' to them and knows that Mom and Daddy aren't going anywhere. That girl, she knows something is going on that's for sure!

How far along: 30 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain: 37 lbs

Stretch marks: Honestly, I was looking at them this morning and I don't know if I could tell the old from the new! Whatever, it's not like I'm not already covered in them :) Tiger stripes, as my sis-in-law says.

Sleep: Actually has gotten better the past week or so. I seriously only wake up once or twice! Body's making me happy.

Best moment this week: I think I have to go with 'moments', all the times I've been able to be outside in the warm weather enjoying the sun! Conference weekend was really great though, too.

Miss anything? Hmmmm winter? No. Aurella being non-cuddly before I was pregnant? Definitely no. Living an hour away from family? Uh-uh. I guess I just am happy where I am and with this pregnancy!

Movement: Baby has kind of slowed down in the moving about category and seems to be content to just shuffle around now and then. Or...maybe I've just gotten used to it?

Food cravings: Ice cream :/ Hopefully this will be a phase like with the donuts.

Aversions: Nothing in the food department, most everything in the cleaning department! My poor bathrooms.

Gender: A mystery but strongly suspecting a boy.

Labor signs: It's not really labor but once I hit 30 weeks my Braxton Hicks started getting a lot more intense. Like, I can't ignore them and have to breathe through them.

Symptoms: Tired. Snacky. Unmotivated. Knowing I should exercise outside of just chasing Aurella around all day but not doing it. My emotions have calmed considerably which is a relief! Even with being a major bum I'll take it!!

Wedding ring on or off? As of yesterday it is off baby, off!

Happy or Moody: Generally happy THANK GOODNESS.

Looking forward to: Planning Aurella's birthday party with the help of my neighbor's party-planning expertise! Can't believe her birthday is so close!!